Everything You Need to Look, Feel, and Be Your Best!

Alright, ladies. It’s time to talk about being at your best. I’ve been hearing a lot of groaning lately about diets and housework and balancing family and career and fun. But face it: As a woman, these things are your job. And don’t worry–it’s easy!

All you have to do is drink at least 80 oz. of triple-filtered water a day, from a sustainably-sourced, plastic-free, reusable bottle. Also, make sure to eat (and feed your husband and children) three meals and two snacks a day, all homemade from healthy ingredients and containing plenty of protein, fiber, antioxidants, and every color of the rainbow. Make sure you use moderate amounts of healthy fats, little salt, and no sugar. Avoid carbohydrates, processed foods, factory-farmed meats, unfermented soy products, and gluten. Count your calories and track your macronutrient ratios. Either eat vegan or paleo. Ensure everything you eat is completely organic. And don’t forget to get all your food locally, preferably from your own backyard mini-farm! But just in case your diet still doesn’t give you all the nutrients you need, don’t forget to take a daily multivitamin, an omega-3 supplement, vitamin D-3, vitamin B-12, iron, magnesium, selenium, zinc, and a refrigerated probiotic. If you’re having trouble reaching or maintaining your ideal weight, you may need to do a seven-day detoxifying juice cleanse once a month to jumpstart your healthy journey and keep yourself on track.

Make sure you exercise at least 30 minutes every single day, and be sure to include long-distance running, strength training, yoga, calisthenics, swimming, and HIIT. You need a minimum of thirty minutes of cardiovascular exercise, five days a week, and 20 minutes of full-body strength training, three days a week. Don’t forget to warm up for at least ten minutes and cool down for at least ten minutes every time you exercise. And make sure you stretch for at least fifteen minutes every day. Be sure to get outside in nature too, and get at least 20 minutes of sunlight daily. Then rush back inside and slather on that SPF–you don’t want your skin getting leathery!

Ladies, let’s not forget about our appearance. Be sure to wash and style your hair every day. Use a volumizing mousse, glossing oil, heat-protectant gel, anti-frizz serum, and setting spray. Don’t fall into a style rut! Try a new style each day, and don’t forget to keep your color and cut maintained every four weeks, with bang trims in between. Keep your legs, armpits, and bikini area shaved–or, better yet, waxed–and don’t forget to bleach or wax any visible hair from your face, chest, back, arms, hands, and feet! Exfoliate all over to keep dry, dull skin at bay. As for the skin on your face, neck, and décolletage, you must wash morning and night with a top-quality, oil-free, balancing, anti-aging cleanser. Follow that with toner, anti-aging serum, day or night moisturizer, spot treatment for blemishes, lightening treatment for dark spots, undereye cream, eyelid cream, and a spritz of Evian. After that, a simple, ten-minute makeup routine is all you need, and anybody can do it. Just be sure to always start with a moisturizer with SPF 20 or higher. Follow this with fine-line filling cream, color correcting foundation primer, foundation, concealer for blemishes, concealer for under your eyes, all-over powder, contouring powder or bronzer, illuminating highlighter, blush, lip primer, a lip pencil, lipstick or gloss, eye primer, three subtly different, neutral colors of eyeshadow, eyeliner, mascara, and setting spray. Of course, you’ll need more for an evening look. Ensure that all of your beauty products are free of parabens, formaldehyde, pthalates, petrochemicals, artificial colors, sulfites, artificial fragrances, mineral oil, animal products, sulfates, isobutane, triethanolamine, sorbitol, PVP, and gluten. And don’t forget to keep up with green beauty blogs to learn what else you should be avoiding. Always keep your fingernails clean, trimmed, and buffed to a shine, and be sure to keep your feet callus-free and pedi-pretty every day of the year!

Always dress your best. Be sure you look both sexy and appropriate at all times–having a demanding job or being home with small children all day is no excuse to look frumpy. Wear natural fabrics and high-quality, well-made clothing tailored to fit your body in a mix of classic and trendy styles. Always have on at least one piece that reflects the current season’s colors and trends. Dress to minimize the flaws in your appearance. Be sure to read up on tips for your particular body shape. Of the utmost importance is maximizing the appearance of your bust and minimizing your waist, hips, thighs, calves, stomach, arms, neck, and derrière. If your breasts and/or stomach are sagging from childbearing or age, you will need to invest in the best shape-correcting undergarments money can buy until you can save up for the corrective surgery. Don’t forget to accessorize! Wear at least five coordinated, but not matching, accessories at all times. And the only place you shouldn’t wear heels is at the gym!

Be sure to keep your mind in shape, too. Read for at least 30 minutes every day, including a mix of literary fiction and critically-acclaimed non-fiction. Keep up with current events, stay on top of your email, check and update your Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and LinkedIn daily, and be sure to produce at least one vlog for your YouTube channel and one post featuring tasteful and well-edited photographs for your blog. Oh, and don’t forget to call everyone you know on their birthday. Also, it’s extremely important that you practice meditation to increase your mindfulness and help you keep a calm, controlled demeanor. Just ten minutes every morning is enough to improve your well-being, but ideally you should fit in three ten-minute sessions each day.

Don’t neglect your duty to the environment. Work toward having a negative carbon impact. Hand wash your dishes in a basin of soapy water, rather than using a dishwasher. Be sure to make all of your cleaning products at home from simple, natural ingredients. Never use paper for anything, as everything can and should now be done electronically. Don’t use anything disposable, especially disposable diapers and baby wipes. Sort your recycling, and once a week take anything that can’t be recycled by your trash company to a special recycling processor. Ride your bicycle! Don’t drive anywhere unless you have absolutely no other choice. Don’t buy or use anything made from, or packaged in, plastic.

Now let’s talk about your home. Keeping your home is one of a woman’s most important jobs. And it’s simple! By keeping up with the easy tasks every day, you’ll make your weekly, bi-weekly, monthly, bi-monthly, quarterly, semiannual, and annual cleaning and maintenance routines much easier. Every day, twice a day, do a quick, ten-minute clutter sweep through your entire home, putting away anything that is out of place. You must also be sure to keep your kitchen sink free of dirty dishes, empty all the trash cans in your home, make all of your beds, do at least one load of laundry including folding and putting it away, sweep or vacuum all of your common areas, do a quick dust of any horizontal surfaces, sort and manage any incoming paperwork,  and wipe down all the surfaces in the kitchen and every bathroom with homemade disinfectant spray and microfiber cloths. Keep your home’s decor tasteful and fresh. And don’t forget to keep a vase of fresh cut flowers on the table! Also, we can’t neglect our furry friends. Ensure that you’re grooming your pets daily, and giving them fresh, homemade food three times a day in a freshly washed dish. Keep them well hydrated by providing a clean bowl of purified water each day. And don’t forget to empty the litter tray and scoop the poop from the backyard each evening.

Now just because we have duties at home doesn’t mean we can neglect our careers. It is just as important to maintain your marketable skills and earning potential as it is to keep your home spotless and orderly. Be sure you are signed up for, and religiously read, any industry newsletters, blogs, and professional publications. Further, you mush attend any conferences, trainings, networking events, webinars, classes, industry-related volunteer opportunities, and any other career-boosting options available to you. Remember, being a woman means you have to be twice as good as your peers in order to be successful. You can’t let your professional side stagnate. Even during your six weeks of maternity leave, you should attend at least one meeting per week (if you’re on bed-rest, ask your boss if you can attend via Skype).

It’s of the utmost importance that you properly manage your family’s finances. Be sure that you personally choose all of the investments for your 401(k) accounts to ensure the maximum rate of return with the minimum amount of risk. You will need to research stocks, bonds, mutual funds, and any other investments available to you. You should be saving 20% of every paycheck towards your retirement and 10% for your children’s education. Remember, college will cost your children approximately two million dollars each, so don’t skimp on saving! Budget the rest of your money down to the penny. Set up a system to ensure all of your bills are paid on time, and track every expense carefully to make sure you’re staying within your budget.  Don’t forget to budget for often-neglected things like gifts, pet health care, unexpected home maintenance, and emergencies. Of course, that’s on top of the emergency fund, equal to six months of your family’s full income, that you should have already saved.

Now your most important job is obviously caring for your children. Your children need you to be the very best mother you can be. Never raise your voice to your children. Always set an example of the type of calm, collected individual you want them to become. You absolutely must spend at least 30 minutes of quality, one-on-one fun time with each of your children every single day, doing whatever they want to do. If you’re not doing this consistently, then that is why your children are misbehaving. Outside of your fun time, your children will need you to be at all of their practices for their sports, clubs, and other activities. You must also be sure to keep track of their school assignments, checking each one for errors and handwriting before your children turn them in. You will need to be a member of the PTA and sign up to be a “room mom” if your child attends a school. Better yet, you can and should homeschool your children. In this day and age, there is really no excuse not to do this for them. Either way, you will want to coach at least one of each of their teams, and offer to sew their costumes and uniforms to ease the burden on the other parents.

While you’re looking after your own family, don’t forget about those less fortunate than you. There are countless volunteer opportunities for you to get involved and give back to your community. Volunteer at least one hour per day, or seven hours per week, to help those in need. Get your children involved for a few hours per week as well, in order to teach them to be grateful for what they have. And be sure to tithe 10% of your income to your church of choice, and/or donate that same amount to charity.

Now don’t forget to take time to yourself. A woman with no hobbies is very dull to be around. If you don’t have any hobbies you already enjoy, you can start by taking up sewing, knitting, soap-making, and scrapbooking. Make sure to create a special space in your home just for you, out of everyone else’s way, where you can do your hobbies. Keep it neatly organized and whimsically decorated. Ideally, you will practice your hobbies enough to become proficient in them, and be able to sell the resulting products in your Etsy store.

Finally, it is incredibly crucial that you get a bare minimum of eight hours of uninterrupted sleep every single night.

See? With these simple tips, it’s easy to look, feel, and be at your absolute best!

 

Note: Just in case anyone made it this far without realizing it, this post is satire. We put a ridiculous amount of pressure on ourselves and the women around us to be perfect in all areas of our lives. And it just needs to stop.